Men 5th vs City Of Bath 3

And so it came to this.

The final game of the season, with everything hanging in the balance – win, and be heroes for ever – lose or even draw, and suffer the ignominy of returning from whence you came for a successive season.

Lining up like expectant toddlers salivating ahead of the biggest easter egg hunt imaginable, the champions-elect took to the arena against erstwhile adversaries yet this season’s whipping boys City of Bath 3. As expected, the CoB selectors took full advantage of the opportunity to try and crush the dreams of the Buccaneers by bringing in half a baker’s dozen of the Kingswood Y13 team that recently won the National Vase. Buccs were without talismanic Captain Hancock, who for some inexplicable reason deemed it more appropriate to holiday in Florida than finish the season and take the glory, but priorities are priorities and as such the squad that took the field did so knowing they would each have to eke out an extra few % of effort to make up for the loss. To compound things, aging part-time rookie goalkeeper Lewis somehow contrived to deliver a hammer blow to the team’s chances by disabling himself the week before in a horrendous plate-related kitchen incident that left the maverick keeper incapacitated with a season ending injury.

They say confidence and momentum in sport wins titles, and to date all the confidence was with the Buccs 5s – top of the table by 2pts from CoB2, on a run of 4 wins in a row and not having lost since the end of November 2024 – could they deliver when it was needed most? Or would they be the only toddler at the party unable to find a single egg, left snivelling in the corner waiting for Mummy to take them home.

Pre-match warm-ups complete, a rousing team talk from Captain-for-the-day Albertyn was reminiscent of Emperor Tiberius ahead of nailing Jesus to the cross – let’s just get this done.

To the game then…

A hallmark of this side recently has been a first 10 minute press worthy of any Jurgen Klopp side, and today was no different – to a man Buccs harried and persecuted the CoB players in a manner not seen since the Romans took on the Christians… poenning the CoB team back in their own half like a well drilled Legion, no answer could be had and the pressure built until a short corner was earned inside the first few minutes.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man… with Hessian not available it was up to Warwick to deliver from the corner routine. Like a spear into Jesus’ side when on the crucifix, his strike was straight and true into the bottom left corner past the rag-tag CoB keeper who was forced to borrow kit before the match. Did our Chairman somehow tamper with the kit? Were some straps left deliberately loose? Who cares – the only sound bar the resonating boom against the backboard was the roar from the bench….

Not long after came a candidate for goal of the season. Chairman Pellow found relative newbie Matt Stevenson in space deep within his own half who looked up and using some kind of jedi-mind trick akin to telepathy threaded a hard and fast ball through the eye of a needle into the D where Bowman risked life and limb to dive forward at full strength to control the ball, pop up like a newborn bunny and somehow flick the ball past the advancing keeper for 2-0. Scenes of jubilation erupted on the bench. Soon after, Bowman came off to nurse the teeny-tiny bloodied grazes on BOTH knees…

Now in complete control like the big kid at an egg hunt Buccs continued to bully CoB at every opportunity, Buzz controlling the midfield like General Marcus Agrippa, marshalling his midfield legionnaires Holman, Butt & JP swatting aside CoB midfielders like the untrained barbarians of the northern territories. A 3^rd goal had to come and it came via the stick of Sam Reeves – in a 3 way internal battle for 2^nd place in the golden hockey stick for most goals in the season alongside Bowman and Warwick. Unfortunately, due to the copious amounts of codeine, diazepam and naproxen Lewis had to consume just make it to the sidelines, he cannot remember what happened. But – well done Sam.

Then came a moment that will live long in the memory of some folk, well – one person in particular. Receiving the ball just inside his own half, Warwick took off at a pace this reporter has never seen on Wednesday evening training sessions. Twisting this way, and that, toying with CoB midfielders like a cat tearing apart a baby bunny Warwick made the D – would he offload to his left with fellow strikers in space? Not this time… having driven fully 50 yards with the ball he unleashed a strike of unerring power into the bottom corner for 4-0… wheeling away in triumph with one hand raised Shearer-esque I was minded of the famous Gladiator quote – Are you not entertained?! – Yes, Rich – yes we were. He’ll be dining out on that one for years, next week it will be a 60 yard run and 5 players beaten, next year he will have taken the ball from his own 23 and beaten the entire team.

A word or two now for the defence at this point, controlling the ball and herding the occasional CoB attacks like adults at the aforementioned toddler easter egg hunt, picking their baskets when not looking and snaffling away those choccy treats for later…

A fifth goal was always on the cards and again Reeves delivered. Unfortunately – again, in my opiate-induced haze I cannot for the life of me remember what happened, but trust me – the way the team was playing it was a blinder of a goal. But maybe not quite as good as Warwick’s effort.

Half-time came – and Captain Matt declared himself most pleased with the afternoon’s efforts thus far – playing like champions and never looking like conceding, could the team fulfil their destiny and deliver a second Championship in successive seasons?

It is a truism often seen of most, if not all sports teams that after a completely dominant display in one half of a game, concentration wavers and the same world-beating team can begin to fade away a little…. Not so this Buccs 5s squad. With frequent substitutions keeping the midfield and forwards fresh, the 2^nd half began as the first ended. Like that big kid at the egg hunt, the Buccs team went on a march looking for the 6^th – which duly arrived courtesy of Reeves’ hat trick. I’m guessing you know the drill by now – and no, I don’t remember it. It is up to you, dear reader, to imagine the scene and picture the joyous occasion that was the Reeves hat trick goal. Sorry buddy – I was watching, but I’m out of my box and can barely remember my name.

At this point understandably the sun began to take it’s toll, and like a chocolate egg left on the window ledge in full view of the rays, effort began to wilt… somehow the CoB team began to muster some passes through the Buccs press and crept closer to the goal, fashioning a couple of chances easily dealt with by the superb Stu/Matt combination. As with most games though, momentum finally swung in the favour of CoB and a fairly decent goal was scored, leaving the bench to wonder if this was the start of a monumental comeback.

The answer was delivered moments later. A long, hopeful ball was struck behind the central pairing of Matt and Stu, who – on spotting a CoB youngster fully 30 metres away decided to show exactly what Buccs are made of this season.. Like a lion tracking a gladiator in the colosseum, he showed a remarkably slow turn of pace to move towards the ball and waited…. and waited… and waited for the CoB youngster to get closer and closer to both him and ball before getting to the ball first, turning back into the player and clearing superbly.

Off the back of this astounding display of physical and mental prowess Buccs continued to use the immense width and pace afforded to them by the strong running of Greener and the slightly less strong running of Chairman Pellow to fashion entry after entry into the 23. Warwick by this time was sniffing around and hunting down every ball like a chubby toddler let loose in the egg hunt looking for the hat trick opportunity, which duly came as a result of a short corner ( I think) that the CoB keeper decided to smother and lay on, giving away a flick. Flick duly dispatched like Bruce Bogtrotter devouring the chocolate cake in Matilda (hey, I know it’s not an Easter film but it’s chocolate alright?) and the score reached 7-1.

Barely minutes remained and chances came and went as Buccs pressed on. The final eighth goal duly came and it was a first of the season for Laurence Daly-Jones. It was a good one, I promise… but buggered if I can remember it by now as the bench was already starting to celebrate the championship and locate the bottles of bubbly for the after-match celebrations.

There was however, still time for more chances – and Warwick did his best impression of the chubby toddler at the egg hunt bundling JCJ out the way, butchering a clear cut chance for a 9^th to the amusement of all on the bench… what was particularly sweet, was Warwick seeking to make amends by passing the ball (!!!) to JCJ at every opportunity after that. What a club man…..

With time counting down and comedy wearing very thin there is only time to mention the one player I haven’t covered already – Charlie Butt put in one hell of a shift in the middle – intelligent positioning and linkup play the cornerstone of the team’s success.

Final whistle and cue hysterical celebrations on the sidelines… the Easter Bunny had not just been defeated, he had been set upon, mugged, shanked and left for dead in a pool of melting chocolate – Buccs worthy winners not only today, but champions of the league for a second successive year. A well deserved MoM for Sam Reeves, although in truth the whole team deserved it for negotiating this potential banana-skin of a final game with such pace, power and aplomb.

Heroes were made today, and not the cadbury’s variety either – the hockey this team plays was a joy to watch. The first half especially was immense, hard, fast, intelligent – championship winning hockey.

On now to the Raven, for nourishment, mead, mirth and celebrations. All on Hancock so I’m told, his card is behind the bar.